Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

A short story about romance.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.