Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.