Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.