Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming