oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I feel seen
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.