[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
[it starts raining buckets of pee]

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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’


Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.


Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.


Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.


Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials


Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.


“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003


*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*

4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!

Me: Me neither!

*big hug*

It was a big night for both of us.


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.


ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now