@ibid78

[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
“NO KID, WAIT-
[it starts raining buckets of pee]

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@staceaustin

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

@Kids_kubed

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@hardlyrelevant

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

@Jimmywibbles

*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*

4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!

Me: Me neither!

*big hug*

It was a big night for both of us.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now