[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
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My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
pelicons
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
✌🏽
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.