*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Never be a pizza!
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Shortcut
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
worst…sale…ever
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine