*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.