*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
thank god
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Can confirm.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.