*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
choose your fighter
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Please be normal”
“Nope”