*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Had a spot of bother earlier.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
⛄️
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe