Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

Meow

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.