*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
🤣😂🤣
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
new wife guy just dropped
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!