[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
You Might Also Like
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”