[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I have so many questions.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
This is a true ally.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house