Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?