[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
When you’ve simply given up.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.