*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
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Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My five year plan is a meteorite
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*