Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

are there any atheist mantises?

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

My whole life was a lie.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

scenes of unspeakable carnage

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.