[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
President The Rock Obama
Called it
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering