[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn