[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
A Short Story.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”