Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”