*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory