*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
This is why I hate group projects
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.