*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Still laughing at this stupid meme
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes