Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser