[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?