[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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Canadian owl: Eh?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.