Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

Not today.. 😂

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping