[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
This is so wrong 😂
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.