Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.