Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Just organising my finances.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.