Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

Split the bill

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”