Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Sharon I have some bad news

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

You might just have to resign…