Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

me working on my assignments ^-^

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

The human personality is made of five key elements

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog