Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

There are no pants in heaven.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.