*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”