*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
okay run it by me one more time
Note to self: I am a note
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
was Jim off killing horses or…
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Going to church you guys need anything
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister