[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Ummm
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.