*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Happy birthday to all the women
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I wish this was real life…
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me trying to “trust the process”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.