*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.