Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

The devil.

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop