*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
step 6: release the wall snake
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.