Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Just me and my debit card against the world

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?