Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears