Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

This is hilarious

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess