*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
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Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”