Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Today’s Times

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

🤣

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny