*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
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J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.