Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂