Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.