*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
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I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot