Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

With a text.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.