Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Holy moly

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Yeah. This was me today.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog