[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.