Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.