Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!