Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

🎉🥳

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

rip to my favourite tweet

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”