Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough