Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

titanic

(more comics:

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”