Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!