Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy