Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.