Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

normalize having existential bread

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract