Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

How to find Kentucky on a map

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

This is sending me to another galaxy

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?