Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

inventing words: clothing

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”