Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

I just tested negative for patience.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.