Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.