Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

dutch is not a serious language

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips