Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

wow he looks just like him

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

bury ourselves

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

You deplete me

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

problems i need

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”