Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.