Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Hank is one in a melon.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

watergate? u mean a dam??

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

[canadians at you, canadianly]

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”