Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use